Lost

I dunno what to do.. I dunno if the decisions which I have made are right. I feel lost. I need a guiding light..

I don't wish to let anyone know what's going on in my mind. I refuse to say a word to anyone. Some things, others will never understand, cause they are not in my shoes. Others, I'm just tired of hearing the words "Trust me, I know more then you" and the words "You'll regret in future. You always do lor. Cause you never think before you act".

Do you really think that I do not ponder before every action? Am I really that gullible and naive in your opinion? Am I really that small kid with no brains? Or the person who always makes the wrong decision over and over again?

One man's meat is another man's poison. Is it my fault if what I feel is good is not good in your opinion? Why must it be always that I have to listen to what other's think, and take what they say at face value, yet everytime I try to put my point across, I am being put down, my comments cast aside??!

I am tired.. I need some one to listen.. LISTEN!! I don't need some one to tell me what to do. I have to be my own person. Not what you guys want me to be! I don't want to have to listen to people telling me what to do, or telling me in advance that I will regret or that I will fail, or that I have even made the wrong decision!

I am human. I cannot take so many problems at the same time.. I can only handle so many things. I have to make decisions quickly. There are too many things to be handles, I can't take my own sweet time and ponder over every little thing. I do not know if some of the decisions I have made are right, or wrong. I only know that there are only so many things I can handle.

Please. Stop giving me stress and pressure. Stop questioning every single decision or every comment that I make. PLEASE! Whether my decisions are right or wrong, I am the one who is living with it. I am the one who has to suffer the repercussions. Not you! Can you please stop pressuring me!!

I don't know about the future. Neither does any of you. I can only make decisions based on the facts on hand at that time, as well as my emotions and my thoughts. Please stop giving me hypothetical reasonings about what will happen if I do this or that in future. Do you know that I am going mad??

Why, WHY?? Why is it that I have to be faced with so many major decisions at the same time? Why can't all the problems come one at a time? Why all at the same time?!? I wish that I can just lie in bed and sleep.. Sleep and never wake up. Let all the problems solve themselves. Why must I be the one who has to live with the consequences of decisions made by others?!

Why must I have to listen to so many crap by others when making my own decision? Why must I suffer cause of the decisions made by others? Why must it all happen? Can't everything be like what they used to be? Why must my life be made complicated!??

There are so many questions running around my mind. I do not know what's the next step I should take. I look around me, and see my friends being happy. I ask myself, why can't I be like them? I dunno how to answer myself. How can I give myself a reasonable explanation? How can I explain that I had allowed myself to be swayed by others to make decisions according to what they deem important/right? How can I explain that I had allowed somethings to be elevated in importance in my life, so much so that even when mistakes are made, I just keep one eye closed?

Can I allow myself to be more assertive? Will I be allowed to? I dunno. All I know is that I am trying to find myself right now. I'm tired. It's like once again, I have gone back to the tiring days before I had stopped blogging. Why can't I continue to be happy? Do I really have to be stupid, in order to live a happy life? I dunno. I don't even wish to tell others about the problems I am facing right now. Cause I am having enough pressure on my own. I do not wish to escalate my troubles by having others trying to give me friendly advice. I am sorry. I really am. You might have my best interests at heart, but right now, I really do not wish to hear all those.

If only I have a doggy. Or a friend who is mute. Then I can just keep ranting and raving about all my problems. Can analyze my problems out loud, without having to worry that the other party will add on comments that will deter me from making my decision. I am not saying that all comments are detrimental. Of course there are some which are constructive to my decision making. But sometimes, all I really need is just a listening ear. A doggy will be able to do just that. A mute friend too. Right now, I do not have either one. All I have are my pillows which keep me company in the long nights.

So many thoughts running through my mind. So many things which are left undone, unsaid. If I should die tonight, will I regret leaving them undone, unsaid? Will I regret anything that I have done or said? I dunno. I really dunno.