Contemplation

Funny how having a meeting at 9 in the morning sets the pace for the rest of the day and sets the focus on things to be done.

Comparing the usual practice of sluggish mornings and slow starts, and today's precise, to the point and effective work process, it is really a world of difference.

Work load piles up as usual. But some how or rather, you are more aware of what are your priorities and deadlines. A thick wad of emails sent to and fro yesterday was printed out last night in preparation for today's meeting. But when you sit down and focus on preparing an agenda, you realise that most of the print outs were redundant, as they were not needed for the discussion. Instead, inmportant mails from the past which were required were forgotten.

An important lesson learnt today. Before you start something, you have to know your background, prepare the background work done, and then you will get a better understanding of what should be done, and what is redundant. It is just like writing an assignment. First, you define what is to be written, give some background on it, and voila, the words just flow. I had been going round in circles this few days. Taking longer than necessary to complete work, as I had forgotten this simple theory. This morning, after I spent 15minutes on my agenda for the morning meeting, I had defined the work needed to be done, had thought of what has to be covered for each tasks, and had also come up with some ideas on how I intend to complete my tasks.

I think I really need to spend some time every evening and morning, taking stock of work done, work left outstanding, and re-prioritizing work schedule for the next day. Instead of just jumping head first into all sorts of work to be done, and running from one task to another, I should just sit back, take a careful look at all the work load, and take a step at a time.

Sometimes when you think about it, life is not difficult. Work is not stressful, and bosses are not mean. It is just how you deal with situations, and what you do about circumstances. When we complain that work load is heavy, stress is high, and life sucks, is it due to the faults of others, or are they all caused by ourself?

For the amount of effort that I put in, I get compliments. Was what my boss said right? Putting in 95% of my effort, and putting in 105%. Does the extra 10% of effort really tax me so much? When I think about it, the answer might be NO. Whether I put in 95% or 105%, I have to work late. Whether I put in 95% or 105%, I have to complete the work. Clients do not know the full potential of me. Sometimes, I think I myself do not know my full potential. Just exactly what is my full potential? I think all this while, I am putting in only 60-70%. For all the time that I spend on my projects, that is all I put in. Putting in just that mere amount of effort gets me complimented by clients and work associates. However, when I look at the end result, I do not get very satisfied with myself. I know deep within me that I could have done better. If I push myself to put in additional effort to hit 105%, what can I achieve?

Am I working in order to make others happy, or am I working to make myself happy? If putting in the effort, only makes me half happy, as I know that I could have achieved greater results, should I then put in my all? What is holding me back from overcoming my worst habit and character trait - laziness? Why is it that everytime I think to myself, ok, I want to do this and this and this, and I want to achieve them all within this amount of time, with this result in mind, I will always come up with this final answer - aiyah.. forget it lah.. Do so much also like this, do little bit also like this, just take the easy way out and be happy with it.

It is seriously a mental block that I have to overcome. I know that I have cruised through my life, and I have actually NOT done much in my entire life to achieve the little I have today. I know that I can achieve much more if I just put in the effort. But the mental part of it... I dunno. Even now, as I type all this, my mind is thinking - fuck it. Why do I want to push myself so hard for? Just do the minimum that is necessary and get it done with.

But will I really be happy and satisfied with just the mimimum result and minimum satisfaction gained? Am I happy with my lot in life? Am I content to stay the way it is, and just work like how I have been?

There is a lot that I need to work out mentally, and a lot that I have to sort out. Change in a person is always for the better. Do I dare to take the step and decide on the course of action I should take in order to achieve greater success in my career? Am I strong enough to stick to the decision and work hard on stopping all the lazy nonsense? Am I disciplined enough to make sure that I do work hard, and work smart at the same time? Right now, I am just working smart, getting away with everything. Do I want to change? Am I willing to?

There is not only the lazy aspect of me which needs to be changed. There is also the lack of time discipline. I have to work on waking up early, and being wherever I need to be on time, if not 10minutes earlier. I have to work on being more strict with my time allocation, and being more disciplined in how I achieve my work. I have to work on completing whatever I promised I will, doing whatever I said I would.

So many things to change, so many changes to be made. Can I do it? Will I achieve them all? Will I succeed? I dunno.

Right now, I am going to start on my work. Let's take things slow, one thing at a time. I am not superwoman. I can't make drastic and radical changes to my life, to my personality, to myself in a short period of time. I need time to work all this changes into my life. Do I have sufficient time to achieve all this? I do not know. But I will try. That I can promise myself I will do.

Cheers!